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Revelations of a Mzungu’s Heart-Do You Hear What I Hear?

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Revelations of a Mzungu’s Heart-Do You Hear What I Hear?

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The sights, sounds, and smells of my debut trip to Uganda have been permanently woven into the filaments of my soul. While I am so glad to be back within the confines of my familiar life and to shower in warm water and drink Diet Pepsi at its optimum drinking temperature, there still remains a large chunk of my heart firmly tethered to the people I left behind in Africa. A month has now passed since my return and nearly every day I am startled out of my mundane life by an emotional longing to reach across 8000 miles and pick up a hungry child, hold the strong hand of a Ugandan woman, or pray with those whose enduring faith makes mine a wet paper towel in comparison. I often find myself resisting the urge to slip into the comfort of my complacent attitude and rejoin the rat race of chasing down the so-called American Dream. In those moments, of retreat into the stillness of reflection and I simply ask myself, “Do you hear what I hear?”
While I jumped at the chance to go to Africa, my mom was resistant-VERY RESISTANT. Let’s just say Mom really likes her creature comforts and when she was told about some of the amenities awaiting her in a far-away land (geckos, cold showers, mosquitoes carrying malaria, etc.) she balked. Being a woman of immense spiritual fortitude, she felt she was supposed to go to Africa and so she put on her big girl panties, applied her lipstick, packed her hairdryer and we started our adventure together. To help establish a baseline of how completely removed Mom was from the idea of going to Africa, the following are actual quotes my mother made during the informational meetings leading up to our departure and shortly after our arrival in Africa:

Group Introductions-
Me: Hello. My name is Karri Thurman. I am a registered nurse and I am from Missouri and this will be my first mission trip.
Mom: My name is Judy. I am from Paragould, Arkansas. I attend the Rock church in Jonesboro. I don’t want to go to Africa, but God is making me.”

Mom: “I understand you said that we do not need to bring makeup and the heat will just melt it off?”
Group Leader: “Yes. That is correct.”
Mom (to me under her breath): “I don’t know what kind of makeup they use, but I think mine will withstand the heat. If it melts, I will reapply.”

Group Leader: “While working in the churches, orphanages, and slums we will wear skirts.”
Mom: “What kind of shoes do we wear?”
Group Leader: “Because we will be walking a lot and in unsanitary conditions, tennis shoes or Crocs.”
Mom (in her appalled voice): “You want me to wear tennis shoes with a skirt?!?” To me under her breath: “I will not be wearing tennis shoes with a skirt and Crocs are hideous.”

Group Leader: “Upon our arrival in Africa and during our stay there will be police and military armed with machine guns. It is against the law to take a picture of any law enforcement official or military personnel.”
Mom: “Will I be able to use my hairdryer there?”

Group Leader: We will stop on the way to the orphanage and pick up the goat we are taking them as a gift.
Mom (later): “I was going to ask if I could hold the goat on the way to the orphanage to prove that I am not prissy, but I was afraid she would say yes.”

Our first night in Uganda crawling under our mosquito net after nearly two days of travel and little sleep, seeking much needed rest:
Mom: Good Lord, what have I done? Why am I here???
Note: Refrain from asking God direct questions beginning with the word ‘why’ unless you are completely prepared to have your world rocked.

Each day our 16-member team served in orphanages, medical/dental clinics, churches and villages and each moment our hearts were permanently altered by the people we encountered. The days were long, exhausting and emotionally taxing. Many of us were experiencing for the first time a degree of poverty and deprivation that surpasses the confines of our imaginations. Had it not been for the gracious, welcoming, sincere gratitude from the people we were serving, I believe the enormity of need would have completely crushed my soul. Another missionary, Katie Davis, describes it like “emptying the ocean with an eye dropper” (Davis 2011). My grandpa would probably describe it less eloquently as “pissing on a forest fire”, but both analogies are completely accurate. Each night we would return weary and exhausted to our compound and as we shared with each other our individual experiences, it was a little like riding an emotional rollercoaster for days on end. Astonishingly, that which should have left me emotionally and physically depleted, actually rejuvenated my spirit. The song in my heart was changing, but I had no way of knowing the spiritual symphony that was building inside of me orchestrated entirely by a band of outcast orphans that have never heard a spoken word, laughter, or a single note of a melody.

deafschoolgirlArriving at the Deaf Elite Education Center was a game changer and for Mom, it was if God himself had parted the clouds and said, “This is why you are here”. Traveling to the school our team was briefed on how the deaf are perceived in Uganda and our hearts were already stirring when we arrived. The deaf are referred to as ‘Kasiru’, which translates into ‘fool’ or ‘stupid’. A deaf child born into a family is seen as a curse and they are often rejected by their families and communities. After spending the first part our day teaching and playing games with hearing children in another school, I was very apprehensive about what we had to offer these children who could not hear us. I was correct. Compared to what we received from these children, our humble offerings were but a pittance.

The children live and go to school at the center, as most have been thrown away by their families. One young boy had been kept tied to a tree like a dog. Another was thrown into a fire pit and sustained burns to a large percentage of his body. A young lady, whose limbs were bent and twisted from years of early neglect and malnutrition, had arrived at the center unable to walk, talk or feed herself. One might think that we would encounter a sad, fumbling, uneducated group of children. Instead, we were received by polite, bright, funny, and talented young people. They danced for us, sang for us, anointed us all with our very own sign language name! They were simply incredible.

It is difficult to put into words the actual environment that these children were thriving in and capture the scant conditions. The floors are dirt, aside from a few with concrete. The rooms where the children sleep are about as big as a walk-in closet with bunks stacked three high with two to a bunk. There is no water, no electricity, no bathroom, and many days, not enough food. The staff work for room and board and receive no wages for the care and education they provide.
In the gospels we are taught that “whatever you do for the least of these brothers, you do for me.” In this country we had seen the sick, poor, and hungry; but it was here, in this tiny corner of the slums, we held the ‘least of these’ in our arms. Where there should have been despair, they showed us hope. Where there should have been bitterness, they radiated joy. Where there should have been death, they showed us the very essence of life. In addition, we saw in living color, what kind of miracles happen when there are those precious souls willing to ultimately ‘do for the least of these’ all day every day. It was a testament of faith anchored in love like I have never before witnessed and it was powerful.

When we left the deaf children that evening, my mom cried the entire trip back to our compound and long after we pulled our mosquito net around us for the night. I could hear her sobbing and praying and I knew that God was answering her “why am I here” question. I also know that neither of us would ever be the same. On the days I feel myself starting to sweat the small stuff again (car trouble, bills, work stresses, etc.), I ask myself that simple question; “Do you hear what I hear?” I am remembering the sounds of the laughter, the clapping, and the singing and also of my mom crying in the night. It is then I am reminded of how important it is to live life out loud, even if not everyone can hear it. Sometimes the greatest words are spoken in silence.

I’m The Short Mom with the Bleeding Tongue!

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I’m The Short Mom with the Bleeding Tongue!

It is hard to believe that the month of May is in the books and not only did I fail to write anything share-worthy, I allowed Mother’s Day to pass without a  written tribute to all the awesome MOMS in the world.   As I welcome the new month, I am now staring down the barrel of Father’s Day.  Experience should have taught me to seize the opportunity to compose from the heart about the fathers in my life, before letting myself run out of June, but that would be just too darn tidy for my taste.  Instead, I thought I would share the circumstances behind a few of the pages from the Mother’s Day card Sophi made for me.   

PAGE 1:  My Mom…..She is short

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Right out of the shoot, she points out the obvious-I am short.  It is true.  I live among giants.  I cannot reach things on the high shelves, I cannot touch the ceiling (with or without jumping) and if we have a family basketball game the offspring who has me on his/her team wants an automatic 10-point spot for the disadvantage.  Note: In the event a serial killer breaks into our house with serious murderous intent, I am little enough hide in the dryer (score 1 for Mom).  Following up my lack of stature, she gives me props for being funny.  This could be viewed as a stand-alone compliment had she not concluded the page by using my own favorite word to describe ME!  Catawampus as a descriptor and referencing my obsession with the very real, albeit elusive, chupacabra lend suspension to whether the folks in the ‘she is funny’ drawing are laughing with me or at me.   

 

PAGE 2: Brave but not Fearless….

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The ‘brave’ picture depicts an event where my mouth simply had overridden any common sense.  Sophi’s basketball team was set to play next on a court where an older age group of girls was playing.   The gym was packed with spectators for the teams playing as wells as the teams waiting to play.  The man from one of the teams (probably a parent) became enraged about a call and started yelling at the referee.  He was ejected from the game and as men, women and small children watched, he made a huge production of walking across the court shouting obscenities as he went.  He managed to drop the F-bomb about a dozen times during his pilgrimage to the gym doors.  I was enraged and in the wake of his door-rattling exit I exclaimed, “Who does he think he is?” and then I gave chase.  He was lumbering down the hallway and I yelled after him, “Hey!  Who do you think you are?  These are KIDS!  You can’t talk like that in front of these kids!  We aren’t going to tolerate it!”  He stopped and I stopped.  He wheeled around and headed toward me (he was WAY bigger than I thought and kept getting bigger the closer we got to each other).  With his big ugly finger pointed at me he yelled, “Lady, you need to step off!”  Note: In that instant, I made a mental note that he just screamed the “F” word numerous times in front of a gym full of people and yet he tells me I need to ‘step off’.   I accepted his watered down challenge and pointed my finger right back at him and countered, “No, YOU need to step off!”  Someone from our team had alerted our coach (who happens to be my husband, Kevin) that I might have bitten off more than I could chew and he quickly found his way to my showdown with the big goon in the hallway.   Kevin rounded the corner (all 6’7” and 250 pounds of him) and what do you know???  Mr. Foul Mouth Buffoon Man decided he should step off after all.   Note:  Kevin was not impressed with my bravery, but I was thankful for his intervention. 

Sophi is correct, I am not fearless.  I am terrified of coyotes, medium to big sized spiders, sharks and crocodiles.  Swinging bridges, snapping turtles, the dentist and the big red bull in Uncle Bob’s field also make me a little weak in the knees.    

 

PAGE 3:  She is Strong Inside and Out

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This page made me smile.  The truth is, I often need help getting the lid of the jelly jar!  I can’t do a pull-up and I am virtually useless in a tug-of-war game.  It makes me proud that Sophi thinks I am strong on the inside.  Sometimes I feel I am drowning in worry, mostly about things I cannot control.  I equate inner strength with confidence bolstered by unshakable faith-niether are personal strong suits.  Most days I can sport a great game-face, but I want all my kids to know that I have a long way to go in the ‘strength’ department–on the inside and out.

 

PAGE 4:  She is Selfless.  Always Thinking of Others First.

 I think most moms fall into this category.  It is the nature of the job.  I actually feelcard1 fortunate that Sophi summarized my parenting efforts so positively, considering that times that I have failed miserably as a mom.  I am EXTREMEMLY grateful for her omitting these memorable (and slightly damaging Mom moments):

  • Sophi fell off a zip swing and complained of her wrist hurting.  A WEEK later I took her to the doctor and she had a fracture.
  • When Riley was six, she complained at bedtime that she had a carrot stuck in her throat.  I thought she was being ridiculous.  I looked, gave her a drink, looked again; NO CARROT.  After calling me to her room several times with the ‘carrot story’ I was getting aggravated.  I told her that she didn’t have a carrot stuck in her throat and she needed to go to sleep.  She abruptly sat up in bed and coughed and hacked and even stuck her finger in her throat and sure enough…she produced a sizable sliver of carrot.
  • I informed Evan on more than once occasion that he is the reason that mommy hamsters eat their young

She’s Never Afraid to Speak Her Mind

 I am pretty sure there are a thousand examples behind this statement that my children would like to strike from their memories.  I own the fact there have been many times when what was on my mind should not have ever passed through my lips.  In all honesty, what was on my mind probably shouldn’t have even been in my mind at all.  Some of the best advice I have ever gotten was from my own sweet mother.  When my oldest daughter was born, the first couple years of her life it was basically just the two of us.  Riley was just a tot when Kevin and I were married and as a daddy goes, he didn’t miss a beat.  However, the day came when he corrected Riley for something and my mama bear claws came out and I unleashed a fury like no other.  Still raging, I called my mom to explain how Kevin had crossed the line by getting onto Riley.   This was my mother’s response:
“You listen to me and you listen good.  You don’t care if he is a daddy to her in every other way.  It’s okay that he puts a roof over her head, food on the table, tucks her in and reads her stories.  It’s fine with you that he plays with her, is proud of her and loves her like his own.  If that man is going to be her daddy, you are going to have to stay out of the way and let him be her daddy all-the-way.  Do you hear what I am saying?  You listen close, because you have trouble with this….If she needs disciplined, you lock yourself in the closet and you bite your tongue ‘til it bleeds, but you stay out of it.  Otherwise, it isn’t going to work.”

As a mom, it is sometimes required to fearlessly speak one’s mind, but equally important to sometimes bite one’s tongue ‘til it bleeds.  Hopefully one day, this mom will learn the difference!

 

High Water, No Water, Cow Titties and New Kitties

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         It has been a quite a while since I have sat down to organize my thoughts into anything bloggable.   To say that my life has been overwhelmingly hectic would be an understatement and I will spare you the mundane details of my version of living the American dream, as it is standard operating procedure for most busy families.  It would be selfish of me, however, to keep the events of the last week to myself.  As my life often does, this last week has veered completely off the road most traveled, took an unexpected detour and forged into the off-road adventures that one couldn’t even work into a really bad country song. 

                We are neck-deep into phase two of a monumental project at work, which has had me completely submerged in the process.  Projects of this magnitude force me to ratchet up my toddler-size attention span and dial into the deed at hand.   Subsequently, I tend to quickly fall behind in those things that routinely require my attention, i.e. laundry, cleaning, going to the grocery store.   The Missouri spring monsoon was in full force and served as a suitable work environment for my restless diligence (seriously, nothing hijacks my focus like a warm day and sunshine…oh and daydreams and chocolate and wishing I could fly…no wait…wishing I was invisible…).  The rains came down in buckets keeping steady pace with the laundry overflowing the dirty clothes hampers.  With my sights set on being able to attend a concert with my sisters in Memphis, I forged on.  Friday evening came and I shut my laptop, threw a few (mostly clean) clothes in a bag, ignored the piles of laundry and headed south with my siblings. 

                The Monday morning following my quick trip, I found myself staring down the barrel of a 16-hour work day (heavy sigh).  I was tired, but I seemed to have gotten my second wind and quickly got to work, relieved that an end to the catawampus-ness was in sight.   Little did I know that the recent bountiful rains had breached the confines of the basement walls and were flowing freely over the floors and furnishings of the lower level.   Exit catawampus—enter chaos.  I remained tethered to my computer, buoyed by my looming deadline, while my family waged war on the invading water.  A better description would be they launched operation SOS (save our stuff).  Load after load of soaking carpet, keepsakes and clothes were hoisted up the stairs, through the house and out to the garage.  Furniture was placed on blocks and fans brought in to aid in the drying process.  I passed the musty wet mountain of wet blankets, boxes, and drenched miscellaneous stuff as I left for work the following morning.  I consciously pushed the magnitude of my laundry situation to the back of my mind and actually thought, “It could be worse.” 

                Tuesday was the dawning of a new day and no amount of water in the basement was going to get the better of me.  Stepping into the shower I made a conscious effort to adjust my attitude and focus on my many blessings.  Ironically, the shift in my attitude directly coincided with a sudden shift in the water pressure.  With my shampoo in full lather and my legs still unshaven, I watched in desperation as the faithful shower stream dwindled to a slow trickle, then to a drip and then to ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  Soapy, sudsy, and shivering I frantically pleaded with the shower, “Please come back, please, no-no-no—please…”  I calmly summoned Kevin, “HELLO???  HELP!!!  KEVIN THE WATER IS BROKEN!!!”  After a quick assessment of the situation he informed me that something must be wrong with the pump, explaining that it could be electrical or it could be the entire pump or a handful of other ‘could be’s”.   The only thing he knew for sure was that I was not going to be able to rinse the shampoo out of my hair. 

                With water still holding the basement hostage, the faucets barren, the laundry mountainous, my attitude back at sour, and my hair frothy I sought refuge in my crisis go-to spot—my sister’s house.   The rest of the week I soaked in her garden tub, dried off with her freshly laundered towels, and made a dent in my laundry using her washer and dryer.  In the true-spirit of a freeloader, I also ate some of her food, used her tanning bed and worked out on her exercise equipment (I have a really great sister).  Friday came and the water at our house was restored so I said goodbye to the land of milk and honey and headed back to the farm.

                Uncle Bob and Aunt Donna were hosting a fish-fry on Friday evening and so I stopped in to say hello.  The big shop was filled with people, food and live country music-a modern day ho-down.  Cousin Caden, who is almost four, grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the office area of the shop.  It was obvious he was excited to show me something.  We entered the office area, which is a completely finished part of the building.  In addition to the office area, there is also a nice living room, bathroom, kitchen, and dining area.  On this particular evening there was also a very live baby calf sprawled out near the entry way.  I am new to the farm life, but I had yet to see an indoor cow and I was smitten.

                  I wanted to know how the calf had come to be invited to the fish fry and as it turns out, he was not an invited guest, but a guest by default.  Listening to the farmers’ talk of teats, bags, colostrum and other such cow-jargon, I came to learn the following:

  • The calf was born to an old cow and she didn’t want to let him nurse.
  • Her cow-titty-bag filled up and she got mastitis and then couldn’t nurse (which I secretly thought served her right because she was being a crappy mom).
  • Uncle Bob bought some special cow colostrum at the gettin’ place and had a giant bottle with a giant nipple.
  • The calf was brought inside to try and get it to take the bottle so he wouldn’t die.
  • He had not taken the bottle.
Making Progress

Making Progress

I watched as the men tried to get the calf to latch onto the huge cow-titty bottle.  I thought perhaps someone with boobs should try and so, with the help of my friend, Ben, (he doesn’t have boobs) we worked and worked trying to get the calf to latch onto the bottle.  It was during our efforts that I discovered that baby calves have an impressive set of teeth and I softened slightly toward his mama.  I couldn’t really blame her for being reluctant to trust her teats in a mouth with a full set of choppers.  With Ben holding the head and me maneuvering the giant cow-boob-bottle we continued with the frustrating attempts.  Just when I thought it was hopeless the little guy started taking the bottle!!!!  It was the first time I had ever seen an indoor cow and the first time I had ever given an indoor cow a bottle!  The flooded basement, the broken water pump, the craziness at work all fell away as I watched this magnificent indoor cow take from me what his mother refused him.  It was then I knew that being in that moment was something I had needed nearly as badly as this orphaned calf; my own cow-titty version of Chicken Soup for the Soul.

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                Typically, this would be an appropriate place to wrap up this blog session, but ending here would be leaving out a VERY important part of the weeks’ events.  Saturday, Evan and Sophi had games out of town and I needed someone to let the dogs out.  Also, Riley’s cat, Lulubelle, was very pregnant and I knew she was due anytime.  Did I mention earlier in this post that I have a great sister?  That isn’t exactly true.  I have an AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, SMART, LOVING, DEVOTED, and LONG-SUFFERING sister.  Here is the text that I sent to Kim asking her to check on my animals:

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  Lulu has a birth defect that makes it very difficult for her to breathe (the vet thinks she was born with a hole in her diaphragm).  There was concern that she would have a difficult time with labor and delivery.  Kim called me and told me Lulubelle was indeed in labor.  My first reaction was, “Don’t leave her.”  And she didn’t.  For four hours she sat in my cold garage watching over Lulubelle’s labor and delivery.  She updated me with pictures, videos, and texts.  Her nurse practitioner skills came in handy, as she had to resituate calico kitty #3!! This selfless act of love and devotion is stand-alone awesome, however, I need to clarify a crucial detail:  My sister is EXTREMELY allergic to Lulubelle!!  I am obliged to include a picture she sent me, in order to illustrate the magnitude of her gesture (and allergy).  I know she will be as grateful I shared this as I am to have her as a sister!!! 

Taking one for the team!!!

Taking one for the team!!!

Sweet Lulubelle and her new litter.

Sweet Lulubelle and her new litter.

Impact Moments

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Impact Moments

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The majority of moments allotted to me thus far have passed without greatly influencing the overall direction of my life or altering the composition of my heart.   There are, however, those moments impacting with such force the reverberation pulses in every moment thereafter. Some are positive in nature, other seemingly devastating, but all are life-changing.   November 12, 2014, marks the 23nd  anniversary of one of the most powerful impact moments of my life…the day my daughter, Riley, was born.

As a nineteen year old college student with a propensity for making poor life choices, discovering I was pregnant certainly didn’t seem like a positive impact moment.  I was terrified.  I was aware of my less than stellar track record for taking care of myself, which made me feel completely sorry for the Tic-Tac-sized fetus attached to the wall of my uterus.  I wasn’t even good at playing house when I was little and got into trouble for cutting the piggy-tails off my sister’s dolls.  There was no way I was going to be able to take care of an actual human baby!  I was screwed, but not nearly as screwed as the little he or she inside of me for drawing the short straw and getting me for a mother.

Smiley Riley

The next 8 months I read everything I could get my hands on regarding prenatal care, breastfeeding, childbirth and parenting.  I followed the doctor’s orders to the letter and set my sights on giving this baby a better mother than the person I had been up to this point.  As my due date approached, I had started to worry about the pain of actually having the baby.  I asked my mom if it hurt to have a baby and she said, “I will tell you exactly what your grandma told me when I asked her that question when I was pregnant with you.  She said: would it hurt to shit a square wagon wheel?”  The wisdom passed down through the generations of women in my family is priceless and, as I was about to learn, amazingly accurate.

Milestones

Because I was not covered under my parent’s insurance for maternity service, I saw the doctors through the local Health Department.  During my 24 week checkup I was informed that I would either have to pay $400.00 before my next visit or sign a waiver declining the use of an epidural.  The amount of emotional and financial headaches I had caused my parents over my 19 years on the planet loomed in the back of my mind, but so did my grandma’s square wagon wheel analogy.  In the end, I couldn’t ask my parents for the money and I signed the waiver, which seemed like a very, very considerate gesture on my part.  In hindsight, however, it was a VERY, VERY, incredibly STUPID move on my part.

Riley and Daddy (and the Devil dog)

Where do mommies-to-be go, when they can’t stand the thought of being pregnant one more second?  They walk (waddle) around Wal-Mart, of course.  I think Wal-Mart might even hold breakout sessions at the OB/GYN conferences around the nation encouraging doctors to advise women that strolling the aisles at Wal-Mart is scientifically proven to induce labor.  In my case, that is exactly what happened.  I was with my best friend, Cheri, and we were walking through the store.  She absently put her hand on stomach and she said, “Oh my God! You are having a contraction!”  My stomach was tight, but it didn’t hurt so it wasn’t computing with me.  I said, “No I’m not.”  She insisted, “Yes you are!  That’s exactly what my Aunt Tina’s belly felt like when she had a contraction.”  Since her Aunt Tina had just had a baby a few months earlier, I figured she knew more than I did about birthin’ babies.  As it turns out   Cheri was spot on with her diagnosis-I was in labor and ol’ Grandma also hit the nail on the head- it hurts like hell to shit a square wagon wheel!!!!

Monkey Moment

After laboring more than sixteen hours I had finally achieved a whopping 4 on the dilatation scale.  The lady who was laboring on the other side of the curtain (OMG…they actually used to put two women in labor in the same room) had arrived a few hours after me and was already dilated to an 8.  I was exhausted and hurting and I yelled, “Are you kidding? I hate that bitch?”  My sweet angelic mother promptly poked her head around the curtain and said, “I am sorry.  She is so tired she doesn’t mean it.”  I loudly clarified, “YES I DO MEAN IT!”  A few hours later, I hadn’t progressed much further and the contractions were excruciating.  During the quiet moments between contractions, my mom asked my nurse to please see about getting me an epidural.  I wanted to explain my noble decision of waiving the epidural, but I was beyond fatigued and the nurse had to explain to Mom the epidural “fee upfront” policy.  My mother started frantically looking around for her purse, “I will write you a check.  Just get the kid an epidural!!”  My mom’s attempts to circumvent hospital policy were politely denied and she cried at my bedside through each contraction.

First Grade

My labor was approaching its 29th hour and my stubborn cervix finally made it to the required 10 centimeters and I was cleared for transfer to the delivery room.  I actually passed my former labor room roommate pushing her baby in the hallway as I was being wheeled to the delivery room.  She was fortunate I was too physically and emotionally tapped out to verbally accost her.  If I had any preconceived notions that things were going to soon be over, I was wrong.  I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed.  The clock was ticking ever closer to midnight and my mom was determined that I was going to have my baby before November 12th became November 13th.  November 12th is Mom’s Birthday.  An intern assisting my doctor with the delivery tried to show pictures of his kids to one of the nurses and he ventured too close to me and I grabbed him by the tie and said, “Everyone in the hospital has seen those f@#@king pictures.  Put them away!!”  Between contractions I decided to take off my oxygen mask, remove the monitors strapped around my enormous belly and tried to climb off the table announcing, “I can’t do this anymore.  I am going home.”   My mom grabbed me by the arm and demanded, “You get up on this bed and you have this baby right now!!  It’s almost not my Birthday anymore!!”  And so it was; I pushed and pushed and the doctor and the intern pulled and pulled and at 11:51pm on her grandma’s birthday, our Riley was born.

Dance

The first time I held her was an impact moment of epic proportions.  The 8 pounds and 2 ounces of bald, cone-headed, swollen baby held the key to my heart.  I was smitten. She has been uniquely Riley from that moment forward and a source of immeasurable joy in my life.   It is hard to believe that 22 years have passed since the day Riley came into my life and I can’t begin to quantify the blessing being her mother has brought to my life.  Here are just a few of the things I love about Riley and some of the things I have learned by being her mom:

  • She was bald for so long everyone thought she was a boy.  I started to pray that she would get hair and when she finally did get hair, it was carrot orange, with a mind of its own.  I learned that I need to be very specific when I pray.  Riley has AWESOME hair now!!!  Her crazy hair days were worth it.
  • Riley has an innate nature to see people’s needs and meet them. This was apparent at a very young age, when she came home from third grade and asked if we could get some shoes for a little girl in her class.  She said the girl always takes her shoes off under her desk and Riley had asked her why and the girl told her that the shoes were too small and hurt her feet.  In addition, Riley asked her teacher not to tell the girl where the shoes came from because she didn’t want to embarrass her.  I would love to say this was something that I had taught her, but it is something she has always had inside her and a beautiful part of who she is.
  • She loves things that sparkle, makeup, clothes, 80s music, and naps.
  • She often doesn’t get the joke, but when she does, laughs the longest.  She has an awesome laugh.
  • She is smart, capable, and fiercely independent.  She struggles with making up her mind, but when she does….better get out of the way!
  • When she was nine, she tried to convince me that she shouldn’t eat in the school cafeteria: “They serve artificial corn.  It doesn’t come from a can or a cob.”
  •  She is the official grammar police of the universe.

On the day she was born, if I had taken every hope I had for her future, it would hardly measure up to the young woman she has grown up to be.  Thank you, Riley, for being the daughter that surpassed everything my heart could desire.  I love you infinity.

Riley Landing after Skydiving

Riley

Full Disclosure–Not Quite

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Full Disclosure–Not Quite

One of my best friends, Leslie, was trying to talk me into running a 5K with her this weekend and since I haven’t been running much in recent months, I was resistant to the idea.  During the course of her appeal, she used the phrase ‘in the spirit of full disclosure’ when revealing details of the event that she knew wouldn’t entice me to participate.  I always appreciate Leslie’s tendency to give me all the facts, even when she knows they may push me in another direction.  Against my better judgment, I agreed to run.  When you are as out of shape as I am, not to mention the slowest living land mammal on the planet, even a short race like a 5K provides a lot of time to think.  I began to ponder the very reason I was trying to pound out 3 miles and some change with no preparation, when my brain got tripped up on the ‘in the spirit of full disclosure’ phrase that Les had tossed me a few days prior.    Trying to distract myself from my current situation, I began silently deliberating the concept of ‘full disclosure’.

It was at a very young age that I came to terms with the harsh reality that lying wasn’t going to be tolerated by my parents.  Punishment for lying was swift and severe and thus, I learned to compensate.  I almost always gave the unaltered facts, but I routinely eliminated the pesky details that I knew would interfere with my parent’s overall perception of a situation.   I often needed an accomplice, and this was almost always my younger sister, Kim.  I rarely asked her to lie for me; I just encouraged her not to talk.  I wasn’t above lying, but lying was complicated and often exhausting.  She was seven and I was ten, the first time she fully understood her role.

               Atari® game system had finally found its way into our living and I had asked for one thing for Christmas-FROGGER. It was about a month before Christmas and I began to use the 45 minutes Kim and I were home alone after school to explore the forbidden areas of our house for our gifts.  It didn’t take long until I discovered a neatly wrapped box in the far corner of a high shelf in my parent’s closet. Even though the identity of the box was hidden under Christmas paper, I knew instantly that I had struck amphibian video game gold. Unwrapping one end of the box, I slid it out of the paper cocoon and headed for the game console.  Kim watched as I attempted to guide my little frog across the busy highway, over the logs in the swift river to the safety of the lily pad.  We laughed when the frog was reduced to the state-of-the-art graphic red “X”, when I failed to avoid getting the little guy out of the way of a car.  When it was getting close to the time for Mom to come home, I put the game back in its box, slid it into the wrapping paper, carefully wrapped the end and returned it to its hiding place in the closet.

Kim was worried that we would get caught and be in trouble.  I told her, “If Mom comes home and asks you ‘Did Karri find the FROGGER game in my closet and play it?’ you can tell her I did.  Otherwise, just don’t say anything.”  We repeated the scenario of unwrapping-playing-rewrapping for the next several weeks without incident.  Occasionally, I would even let her have a turn, just to reinforce that we were on the same team and to ensure that she had been a willing participant if things were to go awry.  Christmas morning arrived and I excitedly received the gift in a state of excitement that was only worthy of a complete surprise.  My parents were astounded at my uncanny ability to safely beat level after level of the game, but after weeks of practice, I had gotten pretty good.  Mom watched and said, “I cannot believe how good you are at this!  It’s amazing!”  I held my breath and I looked at Kim and let the silence of our secret hang for a moment between us.  I knew the spirit of full disclosure was fully behind us, when she reached for the joystick and asked, “Can I try?”

When we reached our teenage years, Kim was starting to see through some of my BS tactics and because I was often a total bitch of a big sister to her, she started to become a hostile accomplice.  There were other times when she would keep silent until I pushed her to the breaking point and she would gladly toss me right under the bus.  One such instance actually involved a bus- the school bus, which I LOATHED.  As a freshman in high school, I suddenly became completely repulsed by the very idea of riding the bus to school.  It was totally uncool and I would intentionally miss the bus, so that my parents were forced to drive me to school.  Each morning became a battle of wits and wills to get me on the bus.  It became a source of such contention that I was regularly being punished for not catching the bus and my attitude became increasingly sour.

My mom and step-dad were, needless to say, astounded when one morning they found me up, clothes on, hair curled, and ready and willing to head out and meet the bus!  My delightful attitude in resigning myself to utilizing the public school transportation was a welcome change.  Day after day, I would be up and ready and making no complaints.  Once they were convinced that it was not a fluke, they started expressing their gratitude.  “Karri we really appreciate you not making a federal case out of riding the bus” and “You must be growing up, because you finally understand how much it helps us out when you ride the bus to school”.   One evening my grandma was eating dinner with us.  She had been witness to some of the bus battles and Mom proudly bragged about my “new attitude” about riding the bus.  There we all were at the table, with Mom gushing about how nice it was to have stress-free mornings since I had turned over a new leaf.  Grandma even chimed in about being glad that I was helping my mom out by being sweet about riding the bus.  I was soaking up the accolades, when Kim had finally had enough, “She is not riding the bus because you want her to and because it helps you!!!  It has nothing to do with being good, or sweet or anything like that!  The ONLY reason that she gets up and ready and catches the bus is because she discovered that the hot junior football player that lives down the road rides the bus!!!”   My little sister–busting me out in the spirit of full disclosure.

A couple of years later, my step-dad asked a business associate/friend of his to give me part-time job as a checker in his grocery store.  I reluctantly complied with the new job requirement and went after school and Saturdays to fulfill my checker obligations.  A few months passed and I managed to learn the difference between a russet potato and a baker’s brown.  I was polite, mostly punctual, and liked earning a little of my own money.  All was fine and well until one Saturday afternoon a group of my friends stopped by to offer me the extra ticket they had to a Cardinal baseball game.  I asked the manager if I could take off and go to the game and he said I couldn’t.  So I quit.  I went to the game and had a blast.  Two weeks later my step dad came home three kinds of pissed off at me. He had casually inquired from his friend how I was doing on the job and was informed that I had quit two weeks prior.  My boss–busting me out in the spirit of full disclosure.

It has been a long-time coming for me to fully embrace the spirit of full disclosure.  Understanding the damages that relationships can incur under the auspices of revealing only the details which are easy to swallow has been a motivating factor in the way I choose to interact with others.  There are many qualities in myself that I wish I could hide, many choices I have made that I wish I could omit and I am confident there are many more mistakes I am going to make.  Striving to be my authentic self is something that has made my life fuller and my relationships stronger.  Remembering what a brat I was is a reminder to ask my children VERY specific questions.

NOTE: Thanks to Leslie, I finished the race.  Like an ironic revelation in the spirit of full disclosure, it revealed that I am pathetically out of shape.  Thanks, Les!

Carla, Leslie, and Me